Don’t Hassle the Hoff - David Hasselhoff

Hardcover (!) at Amazon.com - $4.99!
Non-fiction…Sort of.

Buy it if: Look, there’s no good reason to buy this book, you just have to do it

Don’t buy it if: I’m not even going to open the floodgates here…

Yes, I’m serious. You have to read this book. I know what you’re thinking: Why on earth would I waste my precious time reading the autobiography of this cheesy, egocentric, barely talented, 80s has-been wannabe? And there you go. You’ve just answered your own question.

David Hasselhoff is all of those things and more. And I love David Hasselhoff. I can say this with tongue nowhere in the vicinity of my cheek: Michael Knight was my hero growing up. (Granted, K.I.T.T. was my much bigger hero, but Michael had to be there, too. Kind of.) I spent nights pining after ‘Turbo Boosts’ and still have my Knight Rider slumber bag. The black lycra pop star? Portly Baywatch lifeguard? These are David Hasselhoffs that I never really ‘got.’ But that doesn’t diminish my love for the man. You have to admit that – love him or hate him – the guy is a ubiquitous American icon. (And possibly the real reason the terrorists hate us…)

But what makes Don’t Hassle the Hoff so splendid, so wonderfully magnificent, is Hasselhoff’s own ability to lose all perspective when considering the subject of himself. For all the many faults of this book, there are few more shining examples of absolute sincerity in literature. There can be no doubt that the man believes every single self-scribed word, and that makes the ridiculous and outlandish all the more entertaining. It’s like a magician being convinced he’s really sawed the woman in half…despite the audience being able to clearly see her legs curled up behind a mirror.

Nothing illustrates this better than my favorite passage of the book, when he blames ‘wind sheer’ for a motorcycle accident. I am going to quote the ‘Hoff as my own words simply cannot do this supposition justice: “The doctor who treated me had been at LAX picking up his parents when landings had been suspended owing to a wind sheer, a very severe wind gust. The wind had hit LAX at 4:30 p.m. and it had hit the bike at 4:31 p.m.” Stunning. The man actually tracked the dastardly breeze that put his life in peril. K.I.T.T. couldn’t have done it better…

Of course, apart from the fantastic (please consider the ‘fantasy’ derivation of the word) writing style, you will be astounded at the sheer fame and success this guy has somehow accrued. Unbelievably, he’s failed upwards into a pop singing career, roles on Broadway, parts in movies and the lead on the world’s most syndicated show. He’s quite literally made every weakness an asset and… Well, I can’t help myself…he’s just downright likeable. It’s true. Despite the cheese and aw-shucks stories, you get the feeling he’s a good guy and there’s something terrifyingly heartwarming about this.

Of course, his candor with his own perceived talent also carries over into his addictions and the mistakes he’s made. It’s nice to see that he can turn his bright light onto his demons as well as his accomplishments. Granted, the former gets a short shrift when compared to the latter, but he’s trying. At least he can’t be accused of trying to capitalize on his own tabloid fodder. He seems rightfully embarrassed by his own actions, which is a welcome relief from celebrity celebrations of their own weaknesses.

I have to tell you, at a price higher than $5, I really couldn’t recommend this with a straight face, but it’s less than a Venti Mocha and the joy will last so much longer than that Starbucks concoction. It’s slickly packaged, with a full-sized color portrait of the man himself on the back cover, smirking over dark sunglasses and a complete (why?!) filmography, discography and TV episode listing included as an appendix.

You’re going to love it, which is going to force you to question your own sanity, but you won’t be able to help yourself. Just beware, once you get drawn into the ‘Hoff’s web the biggest dilemma facing you will be how to hide the cover when reading it in public…